Accident

I never realised that it could hurt so
As I stand here
In the middle of the road
Outside your house
Wondering whether I should enter it
Even as I see her leave it,
Should I scream my pain
Or should I just pass-by
I put my hands to my eyes, they are dry, how can that be?

I come closer as you bid her bye
And I hear words, which once meant so much
Now repeated to someone else
And I realise, that that was all they were
Words
So devoid of emotion and feelings
And I wonder, am I dead
Why do the tears not come?

You look up as I finally reach you
And shrug and continue to talk to her
As she stares at me
Looking as if I were a ghost
I wish I were invisible,
For I know now I have been replaced
And the tears still do not come, Why?

You tell me you are going out for dinner now
And that I was but a passing fancy
An "accident", you tell me
And I want to clap my hands on my ears
As it rings through
And the tears, what is wrong with my eyes
That they do not let me cry my sorrow?

I turn and walk away, why do my legs drag so?
I look back, you are walking towards our coffee-shop now
And you are smiling, and I smile automatically,
And then realise you have forgotten me
The passers-by wonder why there is a girl
On the road at this time,
Walking like she will fall soon,
Eyes starry bright and dilated, why do they make them pause in their step?

Some ask me if I am alright
And I smile and nod, I am fine
Some ask me if I want a drink
And I shake my head, why does it feel so light?
My friend sees me and starts a conversation
Why do the words not make any sense?
"I had an accident", I state when asked what is wrong
"I had an accident," I repeat
Why is everything so blurred now? And why does it hurt so?

Rants for the day

Dear Friendly Guy at the gym,
I am really grateful to you for having rescued my mobile when it fell off from the top of the treadmill. You were really sweet then, but talking to me when I am jogging at a speed of 8 kph is not a smart thing to do.
You see, all I can do at that time is make a series of grunts, each of which needs to be interpreted by an expert linguist who understands the language of Piggywiggyland of which I happen to be the President. So please do not ask me to repeat myself just because you thought you heard gibberish.
And do not, I repeat, do not ever complain of how you are able to maintain a constant pace of 10 kph only for ten minutes. With my average holding time of one minute at a speed of 8 kph, the last thing I need to know is how badly you are doing and yet are a million times better than me. I tackle the treadmill dreaming that I am an athelete under training, and for you to so rudely awaken me from that blissful state is nothing short of murder.
The next time you see me running in one place, please do not stop to ask me which college I am studying in/where I am from/if I know Hindi/if I like to party!!
I am in the midst of rediscovering my true self (having started to read increasingly inspiring books such as Mills and Boon which take up my entire spare time and my reducing brain power) and do not have the time to answer questions that ask me about myself.
But please do continue the good work, you can catch my mobile phone anytime it falls down, as I said, you still have my gratitude for that, and that is a commodity that is right now well established with many such good samartians!!

On husband-hunting

"Oh this Kumar is really good", you enthuse
Even as I look at his picture and muse
If his bald head is worse than his fashion sense,
And you shake your head at what words you call nonsense!
Raj is dashing and debonair, you say
Even as I stare at this profile in dismay
"I am a hardworking person",is what he seems to love to type
"I am looking for one who's domestically trained", what tripe!!
"I am no dog!", I scream and shout
And you ask me what the fuss is all about.
"Siva is devout and pious
And is not a little bit ambitious",
I ask why having no ambition is good
And you say, "He will never be in a bad mood,
He is no go-getter, he will never be stressed,
He will not expect much and will never get vexed",
I shake my head in mute agony, do I laugh or do I cry?
Even as relatives drop in, time-to-time, to poke and pry
"Why do you say no to them all?
Are you seeing someone whom you want to marry this fall?
You are turning them all down citing age, looks, profession
What do you have against an elementary education?
He is an Iyer, and Tamil to boot,
What more can you want? A royal suit??"

You now have given me a month's time
To make up my mind, or you say, my preference will not be worth a dime
"Select someone soon or else..", is the threat you make
And my protests are ignored, when they fall in your wake
I scream and shout, "How can I tell you if I want to marry him
By just looking at the website and deciding on a whim?"
But that makes no difference to you as you shrug
And I am down on my knees, pouding at the rug,
How can I tell you that I no longer have the time
To stop and gaze at the stormy sky, or gaze in wonder at shrubs of rosemary and thyme
To skip along the road or to run on the grass,
You would only tell me to stop being an ass
To go out there and start hunting
And to stop all this ridiculous shunting,
Watch out, guys! I am now on the prowl, a husband-hunter
And I do not intend to lose this bet to any punter!!!
Watch this space with glee, even as I now run out into the world
And select and prune and gild my prey and will, one day, to my family unfurl!!!

Big girls don't cry

(Written after hearing "Big girls don't cry - Fergie (Album - The Duchess))

Shattered dreams, broken promises
Resounding in her ears
Feverish words once whispered
Through the night
Now fall flat
In the light of day;
Midnight calls once so treasured
Ring now of doom;

Fragile heart! Wounded by barbs
From one whose touch was velvet a long time ago;
Shadows that had crept up before
Ignored as mere imagination
Now return to haunt through the light
Light that now blinds her, light which should have shown the path before;

Tears prick through
But cannot be allowed to run down
Ruining the impeccable makeup she now wears
As her armour;
The luxury of bawling out loud
Has faded with her rising age,

Tender hurts such as scrapping of a knee
Would have once brought commiserations
And now, the bigger ones would bring just remonstrations
Of the way to behave, the appropriate words spoken
Not to console, but to berate;

So she sits there,
Back erect, eyes staring ahead,
Even as impatient knuckles rub the eyes red,
Do not cry now, my dear
It was just a dream,
And dreams turn into nightmares
With a word, a gesture so little thought of before
Its time to wake up now,
Time to be a big girl now,
And big girls don't cry.

Time someone did something

Finally, a blog so close to my heart, I just had to link to them today,
will be contacting them and joining the group soon.
http://www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/

A word a day

Sometimes a word is enough, and I have one today - "Claustrophobic".