Quotes - Jerry Seinfeld

Seinfeld is a show that I have enjoyed watching, including the number of re-runs of each show, none of which I missed if I could help it.
Some quotes that I love from this show:
1) ...I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
2) I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
3) ...I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
4) Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
5) "I actually owe it to society to do something about this. I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is."
"You can't compromise your principles."
"How am I going to live with myself?"
"Can't live."
"I'm not religious but I certainly know where to draw the line."
"This country needs more people like you."
"Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry at great personal risk."
"I believe strongly in that as you know."
"There should be more people like us."
"That's why the world's in the shape that it's in."
6) "She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC, I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman!"
"This is your plan?"
"No, no, I'm just thinking."
"I don't think you are."
7) "I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi."
"You can't bring Pepsi."
"Why not?"
"Because we're adults."
"You're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi."
"I'll tell ya, George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table."
"I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it."
"You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself."
8) "I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. Throws my hips off kilter."
9) "So, attractive one day, not attractive the next."
"Have you come across this?"
"Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome. She's a two-face."
"Like the Batman villain?"
"If that helps you."
"So if I ask her out again, I don't know who's showing up -- the good, the bad, or the ugly."
10) "Are you going to tell your parents you're still alive?"
"No. They could use the break."
11) "A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob."
12) "Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body."
13) "Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it."
"How old are you?"
14) "So what do you do?"
"I'm a comedian."
"Are you? Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material?"
"I hear a voice."
"What kind of voice?"
"A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator."
"How come you keep tapping your head?"
"It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa."
15) "Did you find out who stabbed him?"
"Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend."
"Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore."
"Well, I don't know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy. You know, it's kind of a compliment."
"Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one."
16) "Isosceles. You know, I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer."
17) "Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity."
18) "Rock paper scissors match."
"Alright! Rock beats paper!"
"I thought paper covered rock."
"Nah, rock flys right through paper."
"Well, what beats rock?"
"Nothing beats rock."

Uncle Dynamite (P.G.Wodehouse) Quotes

"Dashed unpleasant things to have about the home. To cope with flashing eyes, you have to be a man of steel and ginger. Are you a man of steel and ginger? No. You're like me, a gentle coffee-caddie".
"A how much?"
"By a coffee-caddie, I mean a man - and there is no higher type - whose instinct is to carry his wife's breakfast up to her room on a tray each morning, and bill and coo with her as she wades into it....."

It was enough. Pongo rose, a dignified figure.
"Shall we join the ladies?", he said coldly.
"There aren't any", said Lord Ickenham.
"I don't know why I said that", said Pongo, annoyed. "What I meant was, let's stop talking bally rot and go and have a game of billiards".

Doolittle in Pygmalion

I enjoy the play by G B Shaw most because of Mr Doolittle, Eliza's dad.
My favourite part of the play is in Act II, when he comes to see Mr Higgins after learning that his daughter is staying with him.
The part of the conversation is reproduced here:
"DOOLITTLE
[to Pickering] I thank you, Governor. [To Higgins, who takes refuge on the piano bench, a little overwhelmed by the proximity of his visitor; for Doolittle has a professional flavor of dust about him]. Well, the truth is, Ive taken a sort of fancy to you, Governor; and if you want the girl, I'm not so set on having her back home again but what I might be open to an arrangement. Regarded in the light of a young woman, shes a fine handsome girl. As a daughter shes not worth her keep; and so I tell you straight. All I ask is my rights as a father; and youre the last man alive to expect me to let her go for nothing; for I can see youre one of the straight sort, Governor. Well, whats a five pound note to you? And whats Eliza to me? [He returns to his chair and sits down judicially].

PICKERING
I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins's intentions are entirely honorable.

DOOLITTLE
Course they are, Governor. If I thought they wasnt, Id ask fifty.

HIGGINS
[revolted] Do you mean to say, you callous rascal, that you would sell your daughter for £50?

DOOLITTLE
Not in a general way I wouldnt; but to oblige a gentleman like you I'd do do a good deal, I do assure you.

PICKERING
Have you no morals, man?

DOOLITTLE
[unabashed] Cant afford them, Governor. Neither could you if you was as poor as me. Not that I mean any harm, you know. But if Liza is going to have a bit out of this, why not me too?

HIGGINS
[troubled] I dont know what to do, Pickering. There can be no question that as a matter of morals it's a positive crime to give this chap a farthing. And yet I feel a sort of rough justice in his claim.

DOOLITTLE
Thats it, Governor. Thats all I say. A father's heart, as it were.

PICKERING
Well, I know the feeling; but really it seems hardly right--

DOOLITTLE
Dont say that, Governor. Dont look at it that way. What am I, Governors both? I ask you, what am I? I'm one of the undeserving poor: thats what I am. Think of what that means to a man. It means that hes up agen middle class morality all the time. If theres anything going, and I put in for a bit of it, it's always the same story: "Youre undeserving; so you cant have it." But my needs is as great as the most deserving widow's that ever got money out of six different charities in one week for the death of the same husband. I dont need less than a deserving man: I need more. I dont eat less hearty than him; and I drink a lot more. I want a bit of amusement, cause I'm a thinking man. I want cheerfulness and a song and a band when I feel low. Well, they charge me just the same for everything as they charge the deserving. What is middle class morality? Just an excuse for never giving me anything. Therefore, I ask you, as two gentlemen, not to play that game on me. I'm playing straight with you. I aint pretending to be deserving. I'm undeserving; and I mean to go on being undeserving. I like it; and thats the truth. Will you take advantage of a man's nature to do him out of the price of his own daughter what hes brought up and fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow until shes growed big enough to be interesting to you two gentlemen? Is five pounds unreasonable? I put it to you; and I leave it to you.

HIGGINS
[rising, and going over to Pickering] Pickering: if we were to take this man in hand for three months, he could choose between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales.

PICKERING
What do you say to that, Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE
Not me, Governor, thank you kindly. Ive heard all the preachers and all the prime ministers--for I'm a thinking man and game for politics or religion or social reform same as all the other amusements--and I tell you it's a dog's life anyway you look at it. Undeserving poverty is my line. Taking one station in society with another, it's--it's--well, it's the only one that has any ginger in it, to my taste.

HIGGINS
I suppose we must give him a fiver.

PICKERING
He'll make a bad use of it, I'm afraid.

DOOLITTLE
Not me, Governor, so help me I wont. Dont you be afraid that I'll save it and spare it and live idle on it. There wont be a penny of it left by Monday: I'll have to go to work same as if I'd never had it. It wont pauperize me, you bet. Just one good spree for myself and the missus, giving pleasure to ourselves and employment to others, and satisfaction to you to think it's not been throwed away. You couldnt spend it better.

HIGGINS
[taking out his pocket book and coming between Doolittle and the piano] This is irresistible. Lets give him ten. [He offers two notes to the dustman].

DOOLITTLE
No, Governor. She wouldnt have the heart to spend ten; and perhaps I shouldnt neither. Ten pounds is a lot of money: it makes a man feel prudent like; and then goodbye to happiness. You give me what I ask you, Governor: not a penny more, and not a penny less.

PICKERING
Why dont you marry that missus of yours? I rather draw the line at encouraging that sort of immorality.

DOOLITTLE
Tell her so, Governor: tell her so. I'm willing. It's me that suffers by it. Ive no hold on her. I got to be agreeable to her. I got to give her presents. I got to buy her clothes something sinful. I'm a slave to that woman, Governor, just because I'm not her lawful husband. And she knows it too. Catch her marrying me! Take my advice, Governor: marry Eliza while shes young and dont know no better. If you dont youll be sorry for it after. If you do, she'll be sorry for it after; but better you than her, because youre a man, and shes only a woman and dont know how to be happy anyhow.

HIGGINS
Pickering: if we listen to this man another minute, we shall have no convictions left. [To Doolittle] Five pounds I think you said.

DOOLITTLE
Thank you kindly, Governor.

HIGGINS
Youre sure you wont take ten?

DOOLITTLE
Not now. Another time, Governor.

HIGGINS
[handing him a five-pound note] Here you are.

DOOLITTLE
Thank you, Governor. Good morning."