My Camelot - In Ruins

Last night I lost a friend
Or maybe he lost me;
This habit of mine seems catching -
Losing friends has become easier day by day;

I wonder if it’s something I did
Or said
And I agonise over nightmares
Where I have no-one
Or the ones I have
Are all those I do not care for;

Then I remember a few names
And repeat them to myself
And smile and dare the night
To do its worst
My knights and ladies (sans the armour)
Who have always stood by me;
And every time someone leaves the round table
I sigh and re-count;

I lost my Galahad last night
And it wasn’t to Lancelot or Arthur
Maybe that would have made it easier
To let it sink in;

I lost him to the court jester
Who rejoices in making all laugh around
While playing them for fools;

But perhaps losing Galahad wasn’t such a loss
His armour was increasingly tarnished
And his Holy Grail grated on me;

I never understood his quest
Nor did he mine;
And so my farewell couched in lines is bid;
Knowing that the knight who meant the most to me
Will never understand this verse, I say to him - adieu.

Ramblings

All my life I have been running

And am tired now

Tired of running away from myself

For I always seem to catch up with me.

Ramblings

A fist closed so tight
Trying to hold on with all its might
Yet the sand trickles through
Fingers that were clenched till they turned blue

(A lousy rhyme with nausea-inducing phrases, it captures my mood today completely.
So wanting to let go, the fingers just don’t unclench and I wonder what I am more frightened of:
A new beginning or the end of the old me)

Moving to wordpress

I am, in imitating all those wonderful friends of mine using wordpress, going to jump onto that blogging platform too.
I am impressed at the facilities available there and am shifting to a new url - http://bemusedthoughts.wordpress.com.

Enrique's Insomniac

Love him or hate him, you can’t really write this singer off. Perhaps less flamboyant than another Latin singer – Ricky Martin, Enrique’s songs usually deal with angst and passion.
A common criticism when it comes to Enrique’s albums is that his songs sound the same after a point. I agree with this, for e.g., the “Ping-Pong song” sounds almost the same as “Addicted”.
However, I also am still a huge fan, simply for the lyrics that he uses in his songs. Addicted, Bailamos, Rhythm Divine still feature in my all time-favourites. To this list, I now add another one – “Push”, from his new album – “Insomniac”.
His new album has been past due now, and he does justice to the wait through this collection. All the songs are something to write about and the gems in this album include Push, Somebody’s Me and Tired of Being Sorry.

Tender Heart- A classic

I love the song "Tender Heart" by Lionel Ritchie (of the "Hello" fame, for people who have not heard the other songs sung by him).
I am listening to it in the middle of the day and still find it as stirring as I found it when hearing it at midnight.
I especially love these lines -
"I never thought I'd be the one who would play the fool
But I know love can feel so good and can be so cruel
It's clear to me the writing is on the wall
It's clear to me that you don't really love me at all
.................................
.................................
We don't stand a chance
In this wild romance, my tender heart
Maybe it's wiser to walk away and love again
With my tender heart.
We don't stand a chance
In this wild romance, oh it hurts so bad
Knowing that I'm not the one you want
I can't hold on to my tender heart"

Ramblings

Ever got the feeling that things could be a dash better when it comes to life, here you are, going your own way, doing your own thing, when, something comes out of the blue to gobsmack you on your face, turning your beliefs inside out!
A cousin visited us yesterday, (of late it has been pouring relatives in our house), with her seven month old son, to visit my grandmother, who had returned to Chennai after a long time.
The poor mite was suffering from a cold and the mewls were pretty heart breaking, and everyone was fussing around. Now, I have never been handy around kids, I just do not know what to do with them. But this thing tore at me, he seemed to blame the adults around, almost bawling out, "Why don't all you lummoxes do something to cure me?", and I remembered how I would expect my mum to make everything alright when I was a kid, she was my invincible Goddess, and no one could hurt me as long as she was there.
Now I look across as she croons at her grand-nephew and see the longing in her eyes, and I know I am condemned, its not going to stop anymore with just "Get married soon", its soon going to be "Give us a grandchild soon"!!!
And inspite of all my hangups on marriage, I guess I do have something to look forward to, a little bundle of joy, the funny thing is, until yesterday, it was precisely this that made me say "No" to marriage all this time.

A little change

I have been asked a number of times whether I really keep in touch with all my friends, and unfortunately I had to reply in a negative.
I grew up in a hostel with 40 odd girls in my class and I am in touch with two of them (one of them being my sister).
I have said a hi via orkut to about 15 of them and I have no idea what the rest are upto.
As for my engineering college, I am in touch with two people again (about once a month, we scrap or message each other) and am more in contact with my business school batchmates (a grand total of 8 people fall in usually dialled numbers list).
The remaining friends are from work and people I met through the others (at a party/via other common friends).
There are no excuses that I can make for this behaviour (I could say no time, my work is too demanding/the others have no time anyway/distance matters), but in the end, somehow providing such flimsy excuses for not keeping in touch with people who once meant so much to me seems, kinda, excusing myself for having lost a part of me (if that makes any sense).
So I have made a new resolution now, make time (whether I think I am running out of it or not)and talk to these people. Its so easy to get carried away running around trying to achieve success in the material sense, that once you get there, you realise that you are alone, with noone there to savour it with you. And do we really need to measure success by the pay packet?
I consider anyone who is happy with their job and their personal lives as successful, unfortunately, in my firm atleast, I see so many people working from 9 to 9 everyday. When do these people have the time to catch up with their families?
Do they have any hobbies they pursue? Do they take the time to stop and just savour the day for what it is?
I do not want to end up like that and if it means taking an hour of a impossibly packed day to try and get my life on track, then thats what I will do. And I have been trying to convince my colleagues to do the same, and some of them seem to be sitting up and paying attention, so lets hope that together, we try and make a difference to this "work culture" that has descended on us all.
Call you friends now and then, just to say a Hi, surprise your families with treats more often, and take time off to read that book that you have had on your bookshelf for ages.

A song to reflect my mood

I heard this song by Emilia today (Big Big World) and loved it.It is a pretty old one but this was the first time I heard it and associated myself with it. It rings true for all those old friendships that have begun to gather dust and fade away in these erratic times. The lyrics are reproduced here:

"*Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel
That I too too will
Miss you much
Miss you much

*V1*
I can see the first leaf falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside

*Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel
That I too too will
Miss you much
Miss you much

*V2*
Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end

*Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel
That I too too will
Miss you much
Miss you much

*V3*
I have your arms around me
Warm like fire
But when I open my eyes......
You are gone

*Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel
That I too too will
Miss you much
Miss you much

*Repeat Chorus*

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel
That I will
Miss you much
Miss you much"

An American in Paris

I have been a sucker for classics throughout and when it comes to musicals, I guess I lead the fanatics who believe that movies have never been the same since they stopped producing them.
"An American in Paris" is one of my all-time favs and I have been spending this weekend watching it again to the detriment of my dad who wanted to catch something else (I think it was some sci-fi movie).
Gene Kelly's movies are characterised by extravagant sets, dance numbers that set any philistine's legs tapping and music that you can swing to and this one is no exception. Leslie Caron (of Gigi and a countless other classics) was introduced to the silver screen through this movie, and though the chemistry between Kelly and Caron is not really enough to cause any sizzle, the movie is carried through by the sheer brilliance of Kelly alone.
The story deals with a struggling artist in Paris who falls in love with a girl engaged to a leading singer, and the story that falls is a dazzling piece of music and romance that makes a cynic sit up and smile in appreciation.
The songs are on my list of must listen to atleast once a week and include "It's Wonderful", "Oom Pa Pa", "This time its really love", "I got rythm" and "My love is here to stay".
While many people believe that "Singing in the rain" was better than this movie, for me, this has a special charm, it almost makes me believe in love at first sight.
A movie that allows me to forget reality for sometime, it will be in my collection to be handed down to the little ones later as must-sees.

"You were asking for it"

"You were asking for it", is perhaps the most offensive thing a person can tell a woman who complains about the way some men stare at them, the reason being of course that she was not wearing acceptable clothes (read as loose flowing clothes that are shapeless), but had the temerity to wear a shirt that actually was a good fit...and when the person who says this is a good friend, you know you just want to lift that bike of his and throw it onto him and jump up and down on him with your high heels!!!
Forget the fact that any woman who is halfway decently dressed is ogled and jeered by the Chennai crowd, you now have all-knowing condescending b******* who decide that the only decent way for a woman to dress is to wear a burkha!
And they thought talibanism is absent in India...

Macbeth and the three witches

This blog is courtesy Sai.
When I mentioned that I was having dinner with two other friends, he gave me an SMS asking why we were not waiting for Macbeth.
It took me all of two seconds to realise he was referring to us as the three witches!!! You know, those ugly old crones who meet Macbeth and make the inital predictions which lead to him killing the king and Banquo, and the final predictions warning him to be careful of Macduff, having the woods "marching" to face him in war and finally the prediction "none of woman born shall harm Macbeth".
This led me to thinking of what Macbeth portrays to the audience, the play is among the four great tragedies penned by the Bard (with Othello, King Lear and Hamlet being the other three) and is by far, the shortest of them all.
Yet, it deals with choices made by a man by hearing what he thought was the future being predicted. Would he have behaved differently if he was not met by the witches or if they did not dole out what they saw in the times ahead?
Perhaps.
Which is why maybe it is better that we not know what is in store for us through astrologers etc, but just be ready for anything.
Nothing I have written in this post makes sense when I read it, all I wanted to write was " Sai, why witches? Three people usually remind others of the Three Musketeers (I would have settled for three little pigs too, by the way!!)", but I got sidetracked into thinking about choices and acting on too little information provided in the wrong format (maybe Shakespeare should just have sent those witches to communication classes where they are taught the art of effective communication.....)

A train journey

I have not been inside a railway station since May 2005 (when I first landed in Mumbai)... and finally I get to take a train from Chennai to Katpadi tomorrow afternoon.
I am going to be spending the weekend at Sonia's place and while I am sure we are going to be chattering away to the dozen, I have also picked up a few DVDs that I have been wanting to watch for sometime now.
When I think about the travelling I have done for the past two years, just airports come to mind, those clinical places each of which look the same, somehow they are not as alive as railway stations are (esp early mornings, I sort of missed the Chai Chai part).
Now my parents are convinced that I have no idea how to travel by trains, so my dad decided to try and get me prepared:
Dad: " You booked a second class ticket?"
Me: "Yes, nothing else was available".
Mum: "But how will you manage?"
Me: "Its second class, not unreserved.."
Dad: "There will be all kinds of people"
Me: "I know, I used to travel by trains before, remember?"
Dad: "Do you know you have to find the platform before boarding your train, its not like the airport, where you find your boarding gate so easily.."
Mum: "The kingfisher people will not be there to take your luggage and help you through even if you are late. You cannot be late for the train.."
And so on and on...
Now I am slightly flustered, I have started writing down notes that I can refer to once I enter the station -
a) Check my tickets are safe
b) Check which platform the train starts from
c) Check where my coach is
d) Double check with the passenger list stuck on the coach
e) Call Sonia, mum at her office, dad at home, call my colleagues who are laughing their heads off betting that I would lose my way...
f) Remember not to drink the water they serve on the train
g) Remember not to take anything offered by other passengers (courtesy lecture provided by my colleagues)
h) If after all this, I can settle down and enjoy my journey, then try and do that

Really, sometimes people seem to think that just because a person seems to be er.. a "spoilt brat" (which I am not!!), she would not be able to find her way through a railway station
And I have two glorious nights that I get to spend at Vellore, poor Sumit, he must be planning to stay at the hospital instead (that is if Sonia has really really warned him about our tendencies to yak away non-stop!!!)
And its still the train journey that excites me the most....

Update

Unless specifically stated as my experience, all the poetry/short stories is not a reflection of what is happening in my life, so all those wonderful people who needed to use about three to four tissues thinking my life is a wreck can relax now,
what I write is influenced by my mood, what I have read/heard/seen.
Maybe I should write a statutory warning about anything people find familiar being mere coincidence...
Come to think of it, I haven't found the time to write much of late, work being a bit tough right now, but I have a dare for anyone courageous (or stupid) enough to try this - Have two wines (I meant glasses, not bottles), a tequila shot, five large whiskeys (neat, do not add even ice) and five large vodkas and then give me a call and tell me you are completely steady.
It took the poor fool who tried this last twenty-four hours to feel half-human, what's your limit??

Statutory warning: Consumption of alcohol is injurious to your mental, physical and financial health, things are closer than they seem to be when you are drunk, conversely they could be farther too; any debates that you try to engage in when you are drunk only proves you are a fool but a good entertainer!!!

Cheers!!

Accident

I never realised that it could hurt so
As I stand here
In the middle of the road
Outside your house
Wondering whether I should enter it
Even as I see her leave it,
Should I scream my pain
Or should I just pass-by
I put my hands to my eyes, they are dry, how can that be?

I come closer as you bid her bye
And I hear words, which once meant so much
Now repeated to someone else
And I realise, that that was all they were
Words
So devoid of emotion and feelings
And I wonder, am I dead
Why do the tears not come?

You look up as I finally reach you
And shrug and continue to talk to her
As she stares at me
Looking as if I were a ghost
I wish I were invisible,
For I know now I have been replaced
And the tears still do not come, Why?

You tell me you are going out for dinner now
And that I was but a passing fancy
An "accident", you tell me
And I want to clap my hands on my ears
As it rings through
And the tears, what is wrong with my eyes
That they do not let me cry my sorrow?

I turn and walk away, why do my legs drag so?
I look back, you are walking towards our coffee-shop now
And you are smiling, and I smile automatically,
And then realise you have forgotten me
The passers-by wonder why there is a girl
On the road at this time,
Walking like she will fall soon,
Eyes starry bright and dilated, why do they make them pause in their step?

Some ask me if I am alright
And I smile and nod, I am fine
Some ask me if I want a drink
And I shake my head, why does it feel so light?
My friend sees me and starts a conversation
Why do the words not make any sense?
"I had an accident", I state when asked what is wrong
"I had an accident," I repeat
Why is everything so blurred now? And why does it hurt so?

Rants for the day

Dear Friendly Guy at the gym,
I am really grateful to you for having rescued my mobile when it fell off from the top of the treadmill. You were really sweet then, but talking to me when I am jogging at a speed of 8 kph is not a smart thing to do.
You see, all I can do at that time is make a series of grunts, each of which needs to be interpreted by an expert linguist who understands the language of Piggywiggyland of which I happen to be the President. So please do not ask me to repeat myself just because you thought you heard gibberish.
And do not, I repeat, do not ever complain of how you are able to maintain a constant pace of 10 kph only for ten minutes. With my average holding time of one minute at a speed of 8 kph, the last thing I need to know is how badly you are doing and yet are a million times better than me. I tackle the treadmill dreaming that I am an athelete under training, and for you to so rudely awaken me from that blissful state is nothing short of murder.
The next time you see me running in one place, please do not stop to ask me which college I am studying in/where I am from/if I know Hindi/if I like to party!!
I am in the midst of rediscovering my true self (having started to read increasingly inspiring books such as Mills and Boon which take up my entire spare time and my reducing brain power) and do not have the time to answer questions that ask me about myself.
But please do continue the good work, you can catch my mobile phone anytime it falls down, as I said, you still have my gratitude for that, and that is a commodity that is right now well established with many such good samartians!!

On husband-hunting

"Oh this Kumar is really good", you enthuse
Even as I look at his picture and muse
If his bald head is worse than his fashion sense,
And you shake your head at what words you call nonsense!
Raj is dashing and debonair, you say
Even as I stare at this profile in dismay
"I am a hardworking person",is what he seems to love to type
"I am looking for one who's domestically trained", what tripe!!
"I am no dog!", I scream and shout
And you ask me what the fuss is all about.
"Siva is devout and pious
And is not a little bit ambitious",
I ask why having no ambition is good
And you say, "He will never be in a bad mood,
He is no go-getter, he will never be stressed,
He will not expect much and will never get vexed",
I shake my head in mute agony, do I laugh or do I cry?
Even as relatives drop in, time-to-time, to poke and pry
"Why do you say no to them all?
Are you seeing someone whom you want to marry this fall?
You are turning them all down citing age, looks, profession
What do you have against an elementary education?
He is an Iyer, and Tamil to boot,
What more can you want? A royal suit??"

You now have given me a month's time
To make up my mind, or you say, my preference will not be worth a dime
"Select someone soon or else..", is the threat you make
And my protests are ignored, when they fall in your wake
I scream and shout, "How can I tell you if I want to marry him
By just looking at the website and deciding on a whim?"
But that makes no difference to you as you shrug
And I am down on my knees, pouding at the rug,
How can I tell you that I no longer have the time
To stop and gaze at the stormy sky, or gaze in wonder at shrubs of rosemary and thyme
To skip along the road or to run on the grass,
You would only tell me to stop being an ass
To go out there and start hunting
And to stop all this ridiculous shunting,
Watch out, guys! I am now on the prowl, a husband-hunter
And I do not intend to lose this bet to any punter!!!
Watch this space with glee, even as I now run out into the world
And select and prune and gild my prey and will, one day, to my family unfurl!!!

Big girls don't cry

(Written after hearing "Big girls don't cry - Fergie (Album - The Duchess))

Shattered dreams, broken promises
Resounding in her ears
Feverish words once whispered
Through the night
Now fall flat
In the light of day;
Midnight calls once so treasured
Ring now of doom;

Fragile heart! Wounded by barbs
From one whose touch was velvet a long time ago;
Shadows that had crept up before
Ignored as mere imagination
Now return to haunt through the light
Light that now blinds her, light which should have shown the path before;

Tears prick through
But cannot be allowed to run down
Ruining the impeccable makeup she now wears
As her armour;
The luxury of bawling out loud
Has faded with her rising age,

Tender hurts such as scrapping of a knee
Would have once brought commiserations
And now, the bigger ones would bring just remonstrations
Of the way to behave, the appropriate words spoken
Not to console, but to berate;

So she sits there,
Back erect, eyes staring ahead,
Even as impatient knuckles rub the eyes red,
Do not cry now, my dear
It was just a dream,
And dreams turn into nightmares
With a word, a gesture so little thought of before
Its time to wake up now,
Time to be a big girl now,
And big girls don't cry.

Time someone did something

Finally, a blog so close to my heart, I just had to link to them today,
will be contacting them and joining the group soon.
http://www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/

A word a day

Sometimes a word is enough, and I have one today - "Claustrophobic".